Darkness #1

My most recent breakdown and why this one is different from the others.

You know how when you suffer from depression your whole life and you write a book about it, but then have a mental breakdown so it’s hard for you to get out of bed let alone promote your book about your experiences with depression because you’re too depressed?

Oh, good. Me neither. 😵‍💫

But in all seriousness….

This slight Catch-22 has been a problem, especially where my book promotion is concerned. This breakdown was not unexpected, but it was not welcome either.

I suffer from Treatment-Resistant Depression (TRD). Here’s an “official” definition for ya:

“Treatment-resistant depression (TRD) is a major depressive disorder that persists despite trying at least two different antidepressant medications. Symptoms are similar to other forms of depression and can include persistent sadness, loss of interest, changes in sleep and appetite, and difficulty concentrating. Management of TRD often involves exploring other treatment options like different medications, combinations of therapies, and other interventions.”

Lovely thing, that.

So, basically, I will find the right combo of meds and therapy, which will work really well for a few years until all of a sudden BAM!

My life gets “flip turned upside down”

Now I have to go through extra doctor appointments, upping dosages, adding a medication, stopping a medication, therapy, etc. It’s a mess. And very inconvenient.

I have had this happen to me several times during my life. (For reference on one of them, see Chapter 1 of The Rope That Binds Us).

Picture this: Usually it starts with feeling extra tired and run-down. Then things that you could handle “no problem” before, are suddenly overwhelming and avoidance-worthy. You struggle to want to go anywhere or do anything. You are trying to just make it through each day. You kid yourself, saying “I’m just tired”, “I’ve had a lot on my plate lately”, “I just need a break or a good-night sleep and I’ll be fine”, etc.

Suddenly your kids are fighting in the car over who gets to sit in what seat and you burst into tears, texting your husband (who’s in Colorado on a work trip) that you can’t do any of it anymore and you are broken.

That’s when you realize what has been happening over the last few days and weeks and months: it’s not working anymore. Your meds and your brain are no longer friends. They are at war and you are the casualty.

The last time it happened was 4 years ago. I hadn’t been diagnosed with TRD yet, just regular old Severe Depression and Anxiety. The world was recovering from 2020 and learning to rebuild itself after the plague, my kids were 4 and 7, and my life overall was pretty dang great. I had friends, a loving husband, a beautiful house in a beautiful town, family living close by, and enough to live a comfortable life. What more could a person want?

I hated myself and blamed myself for not making it work. I had the meds and the tools to overcome depression on a daily basis so why was I breaking down? WHAT WAS I DOING WRONG? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

After changing from a lazy, patriarchal-type psychiatrist who made me feel as though I was a lost cause to a wonderfully caring, attentive psychiatric nurse practitioner, who diagnosed me with TDR, I realized there was NOTHING wrong with me. This isn’t my fault. There is a literal CONDITION, a literal NAME for what happens in my brain. I knew I had depression and anxiety and it was a chemical imbalance, but I had no idea that my meds couldn’t sustain what my brain needed for longer than a few years at a time.

Armed with this new diagnosis, my most recent breakdown has been different than any other in my life. For the first time, I don’t blame myself. For the first time I am not being crushed under the pressure of my own CONTEMPT, my own SHAME, my own GUILT.

Without those three amigos I have been doing things very differently.

1. I give myself grace: I’m leaving the CONTEMPT behind. For the first time, I am realizing, “I’m broken right now, and that’s ok.” I know it will get better if I do what needs to be done. So I’ll do what I can to make it happen. I won’t berate myself for leaving the dishes dirty in the sink or sitting down to do a puzzle instead of cleaning or not being “productive” all day everyday. It takes A LOT of self-talk and testing personal limits for this one.

2. I am open and honest: I’m leaving the SHAME behind. When friends and/or family ask how I am or if I want to hang out, I am honest.
   “Yes, but I am in the middle of one of my breakdowns right now so I will hang out for as long as I can but I might bow out in the middle of it if I can’t cope.” OR
   “Not tonight. I am having a really bad night and I just need to curl up in my bed with the covers pulled over my head.”
   And the coolest thing happens: they continue to love me.
   I’m also honest with my kids. I tell them what is going on, that it is NO ONE’s fault (especially not theirs) and it’s not their job to fix it. I tell them what the process looks like and what I need from them (patience and for-the-love-of-all-that-is-holy LESS FIGHTING!!) to make it easier.

3. Let others help: I am leaving the GUILT behind. This is a hard one for me. I do NOT like to be a burden on others. I don’t like to take advantage of people or overtax their endurance because I can’t get my crap together. I am the first one to say, “No, no. It’s fine. I don’t need help.”

   But this time, I am accepting it. I am asking for it.

   When my sister-in-law comes over to take care of my kids while my mom takes me to her house so I can sob uninterrupted in the spare room while my husband catches an earlier flight home from Colorado, I accept it, without guilt. When my husband offers to take the kids while I spend the weekend holed up in my sister-in-law’s in-law’s empty condo for the weekend so she and I can do nothing but read, play games, and talk, I embrace it without hesitation.

By implementing these 3 concepts, I have been a much more functional human during this breakdown than any other. I have had my good days, my less good days, my hard days, and my bad days, but I no longer feel the pressure of my own CONTEMPT, SHAME, and GUILT.

Now, 3 months into it, I am doing a lot better. One of my meds was upped and another was swapped out for a new one. I am still cautious with my abilities and moods, really processing and thinking things through before committing. I no longer feel the need to do my three most destructive Breakdown Tendencies: over-eat, spend money, get a puppy (I did not do all that, but it was hard fighting those intrusive thoughts).

My world is feeling a bit brighter day by day and I am grateful for it.

So be prepared for a lot more book-promoting, now that I have CAUGHT one of the 2’s (Catch-22, get it?)

Until Next Time,

RaeB